when it's closing in on you

though i know the last few days have been plagued with so many things negative, i would like to take this tender moment and offer you my thoughts, my heart and myself today. here are sixteen truths i surrender to you:

no more sadness or tears, and every time i feel like my loneliness is going to swallow what hope i have for us, i will think of you, and how you are away from the people you hold dear and i could only imagine what that must be like.

no more doubts or fears, i will anchor my heart to your love and your kindness and know that there is nothing that your embrace cannot vanquish.

no more nights soaked in helplessness, know that my arms never cease aching to cradle you and keep you safe, keep you away from harm.

no more darkness, i will succumb to your light and allow it to break all my disbelief and all my hesitations. i will let it pour itself unto what is unknown and hold on to the reality that i find all the meaning i need to understand in you.

no more recollection of pain, just a steadfast and unrelenting love - a passion that seeks your nearness, a passion that burns under your gaze, a passion that consumes itself with each breath you take.

no more winters, as i will try my hardest every day to fill your life with warmth and desire. every day will be an opportunity for me to show you just how much light you give me that i brim with it and am now able to give it back.

no more conundrum, just the certainty that i need to remain here with you, all because you sustain me, and all because i know we will work together to keep what we have.

no more tragedies, as we afford each other a beginning each time we feel like taking one - all my days start and end with you and i will be with you always, ready to take your hand in case the world gets too suffocating.

no more tolerance, just pure patience. your journey has become my own and in it i have evolved and understood that patience is one of the best things we could ever offer each other.

no more starless skies - i know where ever we are, we are sheathed by the same heaven, and your laughter, your magic, your desire is enough to crowd the night with all the goodness that i need to witness.

no more dread of emptiness, every day that we are together, all the more i realize how blessed i am to be basking in your love, to be full of faith and hope, to be who you run to when you think of yourself too frail to overcome what need be beaten.

no more languor, i will offer you my energy and my courage and take you some place where we can love without bounds and even when our hearts suffer, we will be some place where it can exist without frontiers.

no more rage of misunderstandings, just the calm feeling of your hand clasping mine when we are in the middle of things we cannot wrap our minds around, and our resolve to say 'i love you' even when we are in the midst of a battle.

no more crimson stones along your path, just fragrant flowers to make you remember tulips you once held in your hands, tulips which gave birth to a thousand and one notions of your grace and beauty.

no more impoverished mornings, just sunrises filled with oranges and reds and the sweeping aurora of your smile now drenched with our dreams and our wishes.

no more silence, as we will speak each other's language in touch and in stares. my soul has never sought another's until you. and i know we will never run out of love and enthusiasm to conquer the things that maim us.

happy sixteenth, mahal. be with me for a lifetime.

sonnet twenty five

we are odd bookends
of silence and voice,
of disdain and desire,
of being and nothingness,

but ask me anything
and it would be given
we end with a notion:
to be each other's

silence, desire, being,
becoming, metaphor, reality,
sweeping, beguiling, arresting

cradled and embraced only
by your hands that knew
my faults and held them.

sonnet twenty four

i scar and i bruise and
i stop, and i begin again,
burned into passionate depths,
i strain, i string, i stumble

and my scream carries the
need to be needed by you,
sweetness, clarity, faith,
ever-present light hanging

from the clouds that race
and finds its repose in
your hands already battered

yet i remember, vaguely,
the soul that gave
much as it could - you.

sonnet twenty three

inevitably, i rest in your
secret, insufferable yearning
and day after day,
blamed to and blamed for

i hold out and beg
to put out the fire with you
and nobody else, i tripped
into an alley and found

myself drowning in your
effervescent light, how
much more of this, i ask

and end with aching
always for a higher fall,
into your arms and into you.

sonnet twenty two

strange as it is awful,
to let the blood spill where
it should not, when all
i ever cared about and

wanted was to love you,
and be whoever you need
me to be, naming the
nameless passion, it has

transformed and shaped itself
into something stronger than
what my will and logic knows

and so what if the havoc
looms tirelessly above us?
we are still holding each other.

sonnet twenty one

as naked as it could be, the truth
is i cannot allow this to fail,
not because of fear but because
of reason and necessity,

i grasp for the very air that
sustains you, and head on to
battle if it means saving you
and i from tragedy

i have ceased being scared
but preoccupied myself with
a certain kind of madness

to keep you and hold you,
to defy and disassemble this
soul so you may recreate it.

sonnet twenty

when the moonlight robs this night
of its glory, i reminisce how
you would do the same
thing ~ with just a gaze, a stare, a

word, a shadow, a confession,
a gentle touch and unwavering faith,
this heart remains grateful
to find your sunrise arresting

the darkness in my soul,
the moments pining and bruising
because of this distance

until you whisper to summon
that i let go of doubts and hold on
to the one who keeps me breathing.

sonnet nineteen

the carving, inciting, spiraling
intensity of an unparalleled
light bound lastly
to the road where you left me

gaining its own freedom
from your changeless desire
and your insistent, relentless fire
aching to draw colors from

unknown memories, and here i am
seeking you find silent
harbors in my eyes, fastening

our dreams to our stern faith
until all darkness and doubt dissolves
in shadows disappearing, disintegrating.

sonnet eighteen

you spoke about desire and
all i could remember was
how the vines of my faith
anchored itself on the

lattice of our omnipresent
love, a gaze i cannot escape,
a dream i cannot forego,
a voice i cannot deny,

and I found myself inviting
you to release arbitrary,
inconsequential moments,

and clutch only to our
sacred beginning, our unfazed
journey to each other and with each other.

sonnet seventeen

your elements incarnate,
dragging what i have come
to believe to sundowns
resonating bright colors

and vivid dreams,
metaphors, allegories,
rhetorics and endless
visions and illuminations

as i chase your image
and cage it in my heart
yearning only for your air,

sheepishly defying what we knew
to allow the sacred, pure, untainted
faith to emerge from shadows.

sonnet sixteen

i stop at blinding alleys
and stare at the blinking
neon lights that has your
name in it, like a clock

that lounged our own light
and darkness, i will never
cease believing we can
because we always have

sadness breathes under
the opium moon then i gather
the scent you left in my head

like it was but a few minutes ago
and that is all it would ever be -
because i surrender, because i remain.

sonnet fifteen

forgive me for my frailties, beloved
forgive me that i do not see
the things that you see, and that
i often fail to understand

the way things must and
should be, that my inability
to look at what you
mean escapes this flawed soul,

but do know that i want
nothing more than to love you
and be loved by you

i need your gentleness and
kindness to show me there
is much to appreciate and learn.

sonnet fourteen

ravaging memories that
created you and i, the
moments we’ve painstakingly
kept now takes the undeniable

shape and form of a
love dwelling peacefully
within us, under the glaring
mercy of promises we have

never uttered in our lives
save the time we met and
fell, i bid you do just that –

take the timeless, ceaseless
plunge with me and know my faith
is fierce and intent, only for you.

sonnet thirteen

allow me to surrender
myself to you for a lifetime,
allow me the chance to love
you over and over, completely,

faithfully, passionately,
like all things filled with
wonder should be loved,
be my eternity, the unending

story i write with a heart
basking in hope and in your
kisses, my hands ache for

no one else’s desire but yours,
and i offer up my soul for
the one great love named you.

sonnet twelve

beyond the naked, crumbling,
fumbling light of your eyes,
my hopes spun by a thread
of an undeniable clarity

catch the curves and contours
of your body, the shimmering
skin that wraps you,
the points i have mapped

upon you, as i imagine
your petals unraveling, unfolding
without hesitations,

my hands will caress your
delicate, fragile soul and
affix my heart in yours.

sonnet eleven

let me tempt and incite
your desire which needs no
secret to bear, i heed
your flaws and perfections

within my furtive thoughts
begging to be kept by
your hands wandering
through my soul, my skin

and when midnights are
harsh because i am not
beside you, relinquish all doubts

for i have always belonged
to you – whose laughter excise
happiness from this heart full of hope.