when it's closing in on you

though i know the last few days have been plagued with so many things negative, i would like to take this tender moment and offer you my thoughts, my heart and myself today. here are sixteen truths i surrender to you:

no more sadness or tears, and every time i feel like my loneliness is going to swallow what hope i have for us, i will think of you, and how you are away from the people you hold dear and i could only imagine what that must be like.

no more doubts or fears, i will anchor my heart to your love and your kindness and know that there is nothing that your embrace cannot vanquish.

no more nights soaked in helplessness, know that my arms never cease aching to cradle you and keep you safe, keep you away from harm.

no more darkness, i will succumb to your light and allow it to break all my disbelief and all my hesitations. i will let it pour itself unto what is unknown and hold on to the reality that i find all the meaning i need to understand in you.

no more recollection of pain, just a steadfast and unrelenting love - a passion that seeks your nearness, a passion that burns under your gaze, a passion that consumes itself with each breath you take.

no more winters, as i will try my hardest every day to fill your life with warmth and desire. every day will be an opportunity for me to show you just how much light you give me that i brim with it and am now able to give it back.

no more conundrum, just the certainty that i need to remain here with you, all because you sustain me, and all because i know we will work together to keep what we have.

no more tragedies, as we afford each other a beginning each time we feel like taking one - all my days start and end with you and i will be with you always, ready to take your hand in case the world gets too suffocating.

no more tolerance, just pure patience. your journey has become my own and in it i have evolved and understood that patience is one of the best things we could ever offer each other.

no more starless skies - i know where ever we are, we are sheathed by the same heaven, and your laughter, your magic, your desire is enough to crowd the night with all the goodness that i need to witness.

no more dread of emptiness, every day that we are together, all the more i realize how blessed i am to be basking in your love, to be full of faith and hope, to be who you run to when you think of yourself too frail to overcome what need be beaten.

no more languor, i will offer you my energy and my courage and take you some place where we can love without bounds and even when our hearts suffer, we will be some place where it can exist without frontiers.

no more rage of misunderstandings, just the calm feeling of your hand clasping mine when we are in the middle of things we cannot wrap our minds around, and our resolve to say 'i love you' even when we are in the midst of a battle.

no more crimson stones along your path, just fragrant flowers to make you remember tulips you once held in your hands, tulips which gave birth to a thousand and one notions of your grace and beauty.

no more impoverished mornings, just sunrises filled with oranges and reds and the sweeping aurora of your smile now drenched with our dreams and our wishes.

no more silence, as we will speak each other's language in touch and in stares. my soul has never sought another's until you. and i know we will never run out of love and enthusiasm to conquer the things that maim us.

happy sixteenth, mahal. be with me for a lifetime.

sonnet twenty five

we are odd bookends
of silence and voice,
of disdain and desire,
of being and nothingness,

but ask me anything
and it would be given
we end with a notion:
to be each other's

silence, desire, being,
becoming, metaphor, reality,
sweeping, beguiling, arresting

cradled and embraced only
by your hands that knew
my faults and held them.

sonnet twenty four

i scar and i bruise and
i stop, and i begin again,
burned into passionate depths,
i strain, i string, i stumble

and my scream carries the
need to be needed by you,
sweetness, clarity, faith,
ever-present light hanging

from the clouds that race
and finds its repose in
your hands already battered

yet i remember, vaguely,
the soul that gave
much as it could - you.

sonnet twenty three

inevitably, i rest in your
secret, insufferable yearning
and day after day,
blamed to and blamed for

i hold out and beg
to put out the fire with you
and nobody else, i tripped
into an alley and found

myself drowning in your
effervescent light, how
much more of this, i ask

and end with aching
always for a higher fall,
into your arms and into you.

sonnet twenty two

strange as it is awful,
to let the blood spill where
it should not, when all
i ever cared about and

wanted was to love you,
and be whoever you need
me to be, naming the
nameless passion, it has

transformed and shaped itself
into something stronger than
what my will and logic knows

and so what if the havoc
looms tirelessly above us?
we are still holding each other.

sonnet twenty one

as naked as it could be, the truth
is i cannot allow this to fail,
not because of fear but because
of reason and necessity,

i grasp for the very air that
sustains you, and head on to
battle if it means saving you
and i from tragedy

i have ceased being scared
but preoccupied myself with
a certain kind of madness

to keep you and hold you,
to defy and disassemble this
soul so you may recreate it.

sonnet twenty

when the moonlight robs this night
of its glory, i reminisce how
you would do the same
thing ~ with just a gaze, a stare, a

word, a shadow, a confession,
a gentle touch and unwavering faith,
this heart remains grateful
to find your sunrise arresting

the darkness in my soul,
the moments pining and bruising
because of this distance

until you whisper to summon
that i let go of doubts and hold on
to the one who keeps me breathing.

sonnet nineteen

the carving, inciting, spiraling
intensity of an unparalleled
light bound lastly
to the road where you left me

gaining its own freedom
from your changeless desire
and your insistent, relentless fire
aching to draw colors from

unknown memories, and here i am
seeking you find silent
harbors in my eyes, fastening

our dreams to our stern faith
until all darkness and doubt dissolves
in shadows disappearing, disintegrating.

sonnet eighteen

you spoke about desire and
all i could remember was
how the vines of my faith
anchored itself on the

lattice of our omnipresent
love, a gaze i cannot escape,
a dream i cannot forego,
a voice i cannot deny,

and I found myself inviting
you to release arbitrary,
inconsequential moments,

and clutch only to our
sacred beginning, our unfazed
journey to each other and with each other.

sonnet seventeen

your elements incarnate,
dragging what i have come
to believe to sundowns
resonating bright colors

and vivid dreams,
metaphors, allegories,
rhetorics and endless
visions and illuminations

as i chase your image
and cage it in my heart
yearning only for your air,

sheepishly defying what we knew
to allow the sacred, pure, untainted
faith to emerge from shadows.

sonnet sixteen

i stop at blinding alleys
and stare at the blinking
neon lights that has your
name in it, like a clock

that lounged our own light
and darkness, i will never
cease believing we can
because we always have

sadness breathes under
the opium moon then i gather
the scent you left in my head

like it was but a few minutes ago
and that is all it would ever be -
because i surrender, because i remain.

sonnet fifteen

forgive me for my frailties, beloved
forgive me that i do not see
the things that you see, and that
i often fail to understand

the way things must and
should be, that my inability
to look at what you
mean escapes this flawed soul,

but do know that i want
nothing more than to love you
and be loved by you

i need your gentleness and
kindness to show me there
is much to appreciate and learn.

sonnet fourteen

ravaging memories that
created you and i, the
moments we’ve painstakingly
kept now takes the undeniable

shape and form of a
love dwelling peacefully
within us, under the glaring
mercy of promises we have

never uttered in our lives
save the time we met and
fell, i bid you do just that –

take the timeless, ceaseless
plunge with me and know my faith
is fierce and intent, only for you.

sonnet thirteen

allow me to surrender
myself to you for a lifetime,
allow me the chance to love
you over and over, completely,

faithfully, passionately,
like all things filled with
wonder should be loved,
be my eternity, the unending

story i write with a heart
basking in hope and in your
kisses, my hands ache for

no one else’s desire but yours,
and i offer up my soul for
the one great love named you.

sonnet twelve

beyond the naked, crumbling,
fumbling light of your eyes,
my hopes spun by a thread
of an undeniable clarity

catch the curves and contours
of your body, the shimmering
skin that wraps you,
the points i have mapped

upon you, as i imagine
your petals unraveling, unfolding
without hesitations,

my hands will caress your
delicate, fragile soul and
affix my heart in yours.

sonnet eleven

let me tempt and incite
your desire which needs no
secret to bear, i heed
your flaws and perfections

within my furtive thoughts
begging to be kept by
your hands wandering
through my soul, my skin

and when midnights are
harsh because i am not
beside you, relinquish all doubts

for i have always belonged
to you – whose laughter excise
happiness from this heart full of hope.

chances

this it to praise all the days that led us to this road. this is to hail all the hours we have held and told each other how grateful we are that our strange, little lives crossed.

just like how fictional things are written - wishes, prayers, stories, answers - all embellished and enveloped in a multitude of layers until we find the one to reveal it to. until we find the hands of the one we will allow, of the one we will surrender such an unraveling of the sacred things that make us who we are.

here is to all the chances we have taken and have yet to take. hold my hand and discern that i am here to remain, that i am here to desire, that i am here to discover - every single day, reasons to succumb to love and commitment and understanding and magic. that i am here to be only yours, for a lifetime.

depend

infinities found in nothingness
spaces built upon spaces
the halt in your breath
disintegrates and necessitates

a sense of loss, desperation
and desolation fall on
angles and degrees of
blackness, these hands

grow blind without a certain
light, descending, ending,
hesitating, the nights are

now void of color, or was
it your shadow i heard,
your footfall that diminish as you move closer.

linger

you are a naiad, a creature that
thrives only in my imagination,
the bearer of light and darkness,
the shadow of twilight and alabaster

a shape cast by the mid-day sun,
the fierce heat that leave petals
disheveled, the thought that
mangles the still innocence of water

call upon me, my goddess, so i may
praise and exalt your form, so i
may hymn the language of your

soul, and drown in the silence
of your eyes, resurrect the
stares that deceive shared synapses.

loneliness

from your fullness sprung a
naive, gentle woman
whose eyes are shut from
your evil, whose lips cannot

speak of your insanity,
whose thoughts are ravaged,
deserted, spoiled
whose soul seeks neither

compassion nor compromise
her fantasies elude her,
judging from one, sharp

breath she takes in so you
may have fire and splendor to
spare on atoms built upon beliefs.

glance

perfect or imperfect, still or
restless, there are truths
that do not perish, as there
are nights that do not end

i have come to live on
one furtive, fleeting glance
with solitude begging for
another beginning, a chance,

an onset, a possibility
of finding all that remains
after years and years of ruin

and wretchedness, when all
things lie in the mercy of your hands
barren, empty, cold.

passion

the sadness wraps this body
bare of memories, its veins and
bones exist without a sound
the rain has just fallen,

trespassed the sanctity of this
permutated soul, the light
elevates and escalates until
everything is shapeless

until everything is kindled
by one taunted, delirious
fight that rescues the

dawn from ever being consumed,
racing to the naked, unarmored
embrace i call you.

swan

your light unravels,
unbridled and unchanged
haunt the darkness in the distance,
drowned by the staccato of

the falling rain, fallen, arrested,
broken, you shed your intimate
stars only to find them
sheltered by these hands

that long, yearn, live and
breathe for the motion of
syllables that fumble and falter

from your lips, they are universes
that plummet in sudden blackholes
perishing in your sad reflection.

passion

petals wilt and wither
thirsting for rain, the kind
that your eyes delicately
gives away, a requiem

of souls lost in the cadence
of a heartbeat, of a lightning
bold, the leaves of grass
i have bound in your name

the things that remained sacred,
beyond death, beyond doubt,
beyond the listlessness of this heart

clouds that gather fury
for not having you drench
my skies with an impossibility.

burn

the sharp edges of my thoughts
exist in a corner, drenched
by your struggle to find
a latitude, the hours that

recede only to be caught in
a tangle of misery, summoning
the delirium, the sound
of your name emits

loneliness permeates through
walls and illusions sink
on my skin violated

by a throbbing, irreversible
havoc your perverse affection have
caused this soul void of answers.

fragile

the fragile threads that wrap
your nakedness weave the light
to your agile and delicate body,
tying the ends to timelessness

your eyes the color of amber,
careful yet intent, words spoken
softly send you to slumber
where you rest in my arms

quietly, gracefully, and all
i can remember are nights
imbued with dreams and wishes

holding us both in stillness
as i wait for the moon to drown
the strands that caress you.

touch

the lavender scent of your voice
that seeks without seeing, finding
its way through the darkness,
a sudden, inexplicable rush

of blood through my veins,
i rouse like a rhythm lost in
twilight, defied and defeated
by hands that travel this

familiar territory, our moans
that leave this room dense
and solemn, catching a fire

that ascends, transcends and provokes
the yearning that carve and bruise
a battle i have surrendered to you.

shore

the timid, tingling feeling
that glides down my spine,
like intricate, minute
particles, almost invisible

fabricate nights and dawns
bound by ardor, clamoring
for moments that carry your
sigh to my mouth, my soul

to yours, the rain shroud
what would be my naked desire
like water, slowly soaking

the arid space that
is my body, recalling nothing
save the beat of your furtive heart.

shadow

that lurk and fall behind the

veil of faults and disbelief

crave the blushing, spinning

desire, a light brighter than

the sun that revolves without

caution or hesitation,

darkness travels faster than

soundlessness, the pandemonium

heavier with each breath you

take, the tears that bathe

these words meant only

for a ceaseless, relentless

soul that suffer in silence

haunted by your eyes.

dawn

the night is always darkest just

before dawn, so let me cast all

the piercing stares and pointless

arguments from whence

the gaping void between

what is left of us emerged,

a line that breaks, a sigh halted,

a pure abstract that resemble

my heart, let me go back

to endless beginnings and

deaths that resurrect

all the good i know, unaltered,

unchanged, unmasked, your stares

that make the flowers unravel.

destiny

denied of life, of a sigh, of

a breath, of a sign to go on

and with shut eyes follow

the roads that break

only to show me what of

pain i do not know,

a heart that remains naive

of the secrets you keep

of the lies buried deep,

of stones i turn to reveal

what a sad, pathetic mess

we have made, after all

these hands are meant to

fulfill a destiny of failure.

hurt

a descendant of pain that gnaws

on my soul, a deathless raven

drawn to the cruel sight of

your grin, these hands ache

for the burning, lashing breath

you took when you forced yourself

to forget the thirst murmured

by this poet lost in desperation

violated by the nagging voices

that echo, the conundrum that

breaks the dreary, heavy silence

carrying your footfall and

the tangents of your shadow,

i pray i could forgive.

time

turns, oscillates and fumbles
to familiar, painful monologues
~ all of which now exists
only in my memory

your scent trapped in the
cadence of our scarring arguments,
of words breathed and whispered
in my slumber

waking, emerging, devouring
my thoughts when i am still
longing for the hurt

if it would mean finding you
in the darkness, if it would mean
finding us after so much has been lost.

anger

the fire that seethes, the
blood that surges and bathes
my soul filled with doubts and
disappointments

left with darkness, existing
in nothingness, or just the
shards and pieces left
of us, of you and me

our dissonance rapes the
silence in my head and
all the fragments rise

to dissemble and disintegrate
to fade into oblivion and
drown the unknown.

sea

circles, waves, ripples
that touch and embrace
my open and wide shore
await the net you cast

to claim me, once again,
as before, over and over,
to discern my particles
and my permanence

to help me remember the
blues and greens, the light
glistening on the surface,

that finds its way to my
chasm and fills the void,
defies the abyss.

waiting

for the imperfect, impeccable
moment when nothing needs
to be compromised, compared,
measured, defined, just a

sense of goodness that spills
and takes the space you have
left for yourself, an untouched,
untarnished fragment that

is holy beyond understanding,
a leaf you turn, a vow you utter,
a soul that escapes to be

liberated, you are bound
to faith, not to losing, you are and
have become your greatest self.

rain

shadows obscure the love i once held
and the mist cover the ruins
of this parched heart, lonesome
and forlorn, being without

death, without breath, without
fragments, without elements
void of substance, this body
filled with space and nothingness

words fluctuate, the incessant
rise and fall crowd my now
impoverished hands, the

feel that once sought
your touch ~ a soul chained to
the rain of your kisses and desire.

light

carefully descend and
drown the words trapped
inside your mouth,
craving for and carving

the next second with fire
burning your shadow
the impossible becomes fathomable
and your windswept hair

caress the air, with your
fingers gently searching
the twists and turns of this soul

your silence force the stones
open, carrying the sweetness
that dwell in one momentary hum.

smile

your particles elemental,
rooted to simplicity, sharpened
by your timid beauty,
sheer, unassuming, unbecoming

but let me tell you what you can't
see ~ that your smile make
flowers unravel and the
cistern overflows with the

fluid, unaltered motion of
beginnings and ends which fasten
our memories to the night

kept, held, embraced until
the darkness wanes and you
leave a sigh of my name.

kiss

little by little the hours
painfully and slowly turn
the afternoon basked in
mist recedes to an

evening sheathed with stars
the air filled with glances
and gazes stealing your
fleeting and momentary pain

that erupt from my absence
but do not fear love, my soul
awaits a fragment, a moment

i shall hold your face with my
bare hands, feel the fire
that thrives and burns under a kiss.

love

your leaving gave this body
its armor and its poison
glancing on every window
that might resurrect your

reflection, the night dies
of envy, as i remember the
shape and the lines
that define your face, the

flaws and atoms of
your blood that desire me
tell me how to escape the

definite plunge, of wanting
all that makes you touch,
bear and afflict me once again.

sonnet ten

often we yield to merciless midnights,
to darkness that pin our souls
to emptiness, until avenues
are filled with nothing

but lives laced with premonitions,
yet molecules of your body
instigate a kind of fire
that refute any figure of pain your

heart can contain, because
you have finally understood –
never to walk away,

never to turn your back
on reasons your synapses
cannot unmake, on the logic it holds on to.

sonnet nine

let me take your hand
and travel with you on the
road that begs for forever
and both our unwavering faith

know that we will never lose
as my eyes search for nothing
save your gaze, and my arms
ache only for your embrace

the days are haunted by the
scent of your desire, and this
love feeds on our hope

to fulfill promises and
dreams, to mend measured hours
with you falling into me every time.

sonnet eight

what is the heart of a thought?
it is a trace of your flaws,
hint of your smile,
fraction of your soul

sound of your breath,
fire of your being,
impossibility of your beauty,
softness of your gaze,

it is, by all means,
the grace and faith
you have been carved out of

to descend on the clouds
and cover my loneliness
with sheathes of your desire.

sonnet seven

love created you out of
reds, pure and unaltered,
and my arms will cradle you
like all vulnerable and fragile

things should be held,
away from the darkness and
within my being
where the spring of us

happens each time you
cling to the notion
of a lifetime – an eternity

of ceaseless beginnings, of
clouds filled with hope as
i seek and feel only you.

sonnet six

i arrive at the foot of
your altar, an avenue of
reflections sewn by the
sky like your eyes

my hands catch your glances
so you will never lose
your truth and humanity
i have risen to be a mirror

of your unswerving love,
an imperfect soul blessed to
mend its loneliness

by recalling your face and
your smile, your voice and
your touch, trembling beneath my skin.

sonnet five

i anchor my thoughts
to your symphony, to the motion
of your laughter and
the gravity of your faith

i will take your hand
and place upon it my vow to
a lifetime of fervent
and fiery desire for the

one soul that heals my
heart, for the lips that
break my tears,

for the light that sustains
all the glorious sunrises
i have come to know.

sonnet four

in this moment, in this silence,
i remember how your words
and thoughts colored my
sonnets, and how the same

words and thoughts spoke of,
created and revealed a love
neither you or i could deny,
until we moved to defy

bounds and filled my soul
with a faith i never knew of
until you, until the day

i followed you, until that
time i needed no one else and nothing
more than a lifetime with you.

sonnet three

hear me, my beloved
hear my words and feel
its reality course through
the blood in your veins

you are the muse to this poet,
you are the love that brings
her closer to the sweetness of
your reveries, you are the

effervescent light that
filters the sadness in her eyes,
the prism that holds all

the color she has seen and witnessed,
your crimson desire keeps her alive
and she vows to give it all back.

sonnet two

as the last rays of the sun
set upon my eyes and ravage
the silence in my thoughts
i could not have wanted

anything more than to
bask in all the sunrises
and sunsets with you
my heart knows no

distance or time, just
the fervent, steadfast love,
our faith plays a symphony

i hear even in my sleep,
i promise you a lifetime
of passion and endlessness.

sonnet one

my eyes travel the roads
that you walked on, as you
took that last look and held
and kissed me the last time

the lifetime we swore to
keep hasn’t ended, as it starts
everyday we breathe and
every time i whisper your

name to the wind, i know
i haven’t understood everything
but this heart will never

lack the attempt to continue
searching for your face and
see the same faith that got us this far.