not today

they say it is always darkest before dawn. and the darkness breeds fear and despair and helplessness. but not today. not this very moment.

all there is to this universe today is you. all there is for me this very second is you. and if the world will come to an end i am certain i'd have known love, i am certain i 'd have known faith.

things have never been easy, and perhaps they never will be easy. but i would take that over nothingness. i would take difficulties and failures and shortcomings over a life without you. i can no longer imagine a day without you. i have ceased allowing myself to understand how there could be this world if you did not at all exist. i know we have this immense distance between us and we sometimes fail to see things as they should be seen. but...i still catch myself in awe of what we have so far done to keep everything that we have together. to keep each other.

that realization fuels this invisible fire inside of me - it helps me comprehend why some things work, and why some do not. i would like to believe that we have come this far not only because our intentions are good and that our hearts are in the right place but because we know we ought to be here - right in this spot, right in this time, right here with each other. we have taken the long road together and frankly, i am unsure when this road will ever end, but you have made the journey worthwhile and if i will be asked if i will choose to do this in a different lifetime, the answer would be 'of course.'

as long as it is with you. as long as it is because of you.

the most powerful things i have experienced in life weren't the moments everything seemed perfect, they were when things were in the brink of destruction and we were catching our breaths trying to patch things up. they are when we were fighting too hard and tears have clouded my vision yet all i could think of is saving us. they are when others tell me that what we are doing seems impossible and i feel the gaping hole inside me, yet for some wicked reason i would feel that you will always be there to fill it and make sense of me.

i have never really thought hard of why we meet people at certain times in our lives - i guess i always have fate to attribute that to. but now i am beginning to think that things happen the way they do because of all the choices we have made from the time we could affect our own destinies. we are here because we chose to be here. we are here because our decisions led us to this time and place. we are here because we are bound to teach each other something. and just look at how much we have done to stay with each other and make our decisions be about each other and for each other.

so no matter how dark the night gets, no matter how helpless we seem to be because of things we cannot understand, please know that i am making a conscious choice to be here because i have realized there is more to life when i share it with you, because i know that there is nothing we cannot resolve together, because i know that i have found my meaning in this world.

i am here because of you and though things have been inconsistently painful and inconsistently blissful, you can expect to find me where you left me, or at least expect to find me where i want to be found - beside you, staring at you, aching to hold your hand, my thoughts spiraling because after all these years i am still crazy about you - you have managed to elicit that kind of reaction from me - it is inexplicable and could be a little exhausting but hey, if it means being allowed to keep you then who cares about having to always explain things and getting tired.

like all the days we confront together, this is just the beginning. and i am glad i have found someone who is willing to always begin with me. someone who takes interest in seeing old things and old ways with a new perspective, someone who, i know, years and years from today, would see the sunrise with me in our sunset days.

happy anniversary, mahal.